10 Signs He Isn't The One

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Signs He Isn't The One For You

Do you feel unsure about how a relationship is going? Maybe you question.. Is this is the right person for you? Is the relationship going anywhere? Are they treating you right, the way you want to be treated? Do you want the same things in life?

The answers are usually simple ones but sometimes we complicate them and try to hold onto something we shouldn't. Why? Because we've invested time in the person, feelings and emotions are involved. We get attached to them and the way things are. We grow comfortable with the situation and it's familiar to us. So we stay, trying our best to make it work.

So what holds us back? Generally it's fear. Fear of starting over, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone on your own, fear of struggling on a single income, fear of trying to become financially independent, fear of making the wrong decision, fear of giving up too soon, fear of feeling you failed. But don't let those fears stop you from moving forward in your life.

Alrighty then, before we begin I want you to know this is not some generic list... These are 10 of my own personal experiences and realizations based on a longterm (ex-boyfriend) relationship I was in that lasted four years. I usually don't talk about past relationships but I think there's a lot to be learned from them, that can help make your future better!

(PS... If you're a guy dating a girl and reading this post, you can just change the "He" to "She")

10 Signs He Isn't The One

1. You Feel You Need To Change Him.

Don't try to change a guy... Just change the guy. Trust me, it's easier that way. Trying to change a man is never a good idea. We think we're just trying to help him make improvements and better himself. But the fact is, guys will usually resent that and aren't going to change all that much anyway. Just as you wouldn't change all that much for somebody else. At the end of the day you are always going to be who you are. So even if they're clearly throwing their life away, you can't stop them and shouldn't throw your life away trying to save them from themselves.

2. Your Values, Goals & Ambitions In Life Aren't Aligned.

He likes to party, drinks too much beer, maybe he does recreational drugs or has substance abuse issues, maybe he's into gambling... Whatever he's into or doing, does it show you respect, honesty, integrity, loyalty, love? Do his actions show you examples of what you want in your life too? Or do his actions seem to be teaching you what you don't want in a potential husband?

What about you, are you the polar opposite? What do you value in life? Maybe you're ambitious. You enjoy setting goals, working hard and reaching them. You always strive to improve yourself. You have a strong work ethic. You put 110% into your relationships. Maybe it's your dream to travel the world. You don't want kids, he does or vice versa.

If you're at one end of the spectrum... and at the opposite end of the spectrum is, well... a slug... (no offense to slugs). Where do you see him? Do you see him right along side you? Your partner for life, forging ahead together on the same path. Or is he a slug? Perhaps even a leech that's slowly draining your lifeblood, your energy, your happiness... As you tirelessly trek through the jungle of life feeling alone... Listen, yes you may have the company of your leech and you may be attached to each other... But if it's sucking the life out of you... you'll need to remove the leech, heal the wound and save your life... for somebody else.

Bottom line, if you are the polar opposite of him and your core values, life goals and ambitions are in no way aligned with each other... That's going to make it very difficult to grow together as a couple.

3. Your Not Best Friends

In fact, you wouldn't even be friends or want to hang out with this person, if you weren't already dating.

The romantic side of a relationship is great... Love, affection and intimacy. But a strong bond of friendship solidifies your emotional connection. Making each other laugh, entertaining each other, sharing common interests and hobbies, knowing how to cheer the other person up when they're having a rough day, or calm them down when they're feeling stressed out. You love spending time together, maybe you can't get enough of each other. You feel completely comfortable being yourself around them. You're there for each other, when a problem arises, you might banter, argue or fight a bit, but eventually you try to see things from the other person's perspective and you both readily do your part to fix it.

So if you aren't best friends, ask yourself... In the future, is it easier to see the two of you becoming best friends... or enemies?

4. He's Not Ready For Serious Commitment.

Maybe the relationship just isn't going anywhere. Perhaps he isn't ready to settle down yet. Maybe he doesn't want the responsibility, maybe he's gun-shy from a previously failed relationship. Or maybe... He's just not that into you.

Whatever the case, if you're not on the same page about your commitment to each other... Don't force the issue, let him be... and move on. You don't want to invest in someone that doesn't want to invest in you.

Another red flag is if he downplays your relationship. When a guy's invested in you, he'll be excited to tell his friends and family... Not try to downplay your relationship. For example: He gives you a "promise" ring but doesn't want you to wear it around his friends. He seems more concerned about his buddies teasing him, than he is proud to have you as his girl. And yep, that happened to me.

5. You're Not A Priority.

When your days off together revolve almost entirely around him and what he wants to do. If he wants to surf, he surfs. If he wants to hang out with his buddies and smoke weed, he hangs and smokes. He does what he wants, when he wants... Of course you can come too, if you want. But you're more like an afterthought or eye candy on stand-by. Yes, you might be there with him, existing with him... But are you living your life too? Or do you feel more like you're on the sidelines watching somebody else live theirs?

6. His Level Of Maturity Drives You Crazy.

And not in a good way... Basically if you find yourself rolling your eyes at things he says and does, on a regular basis... That's not a good sign. For example, he says to you "Obviously most guys prefer blondes." As you're sitting there with your naturally brunette hair going... Who is this idiot and why is he generalizing the entire male populations preferences... Don't ask me why he thought it was a good idea to voluntarily share this mind-boggling insight and wealth of information with his brunette girlfriend, but I'm pretty sure there was a big fight that night as I was standing up for women of all hair colors, being equally attractive and beautiful.

If you do find yourself dealing with an ongoing lack of maturity on his part, be grateful that he's showing you this side of himself, so that you can make a more informed decision.

7. He Puts You Down In Subtle Ways.

This can undermine your self-esteem and confidence. Whether it be in private or in front of other people, strangers, friends, family... And it leaves you wondering if you're dating someone that never matured beyond middle school. For example, say you're trying on bracelets and bangles, the woman helping you asks your size. You answer, "My wrists tend to run smaller." ...He butts in with a rude laugh, "You do not have small wrists at all." Clearly implying there's nothing small, cute or dainty about you. And this isn't the first time you've heard similar put-down remarks from him about your body. Maybe he's pointed out an actress on TV and commented or compared you, "Look how petite she is, her legs are cute, don't you wish you had her legs?" ...and you're going, Uh no, not really, that would look really weird and I'm fine with mine thanks tho... Ugh.

Don't take those kind of sniping remarks to heart though. In this case, it was his own little-man insecurities speaking. My ex was very insecure about not being a big guy, he was 5' 10" around 150 lbs. I'm 5' 9" 125 lbs and he always seemed to find a way to put me down for it. Sure they were just little remarks here and there. But in hindsight, it was clear, the pattern was actually stemming from his own insecurity.

When a guy has an insecurity about himself and he consistently finds ways of redirecting it at you, he either consciously or subconsciously is trying to bring you down to his level. Perhaps he has low self-esteem and doesn't want you feeling confident about yourself either because one day you might wake up and realize you can do better than him.

Funny, it also reminds me of this redheaded boy in high school that used to pick on me because I had naturally thick, fluffy, wavy hair. One time I had it up in a loose messy bun atop my head, clearly not giving a crap and as we passed in the hall he sarcastically remarked "Nice hair, LOL!" Fast forward 10 years later, he friends me on Facebook and I see he's rocking an afro these days, yes a redheaded afro on an Oregonian white boy. Maybe he's trying to channel Carrot Top... I don't know, nor do I care. But it's funny how some people ridicule what they maybe wish they were themselves, maybe they wish they were confident enough to embrace themselves and unapologetically rock their individual style, body type, body size, cup size, hairstyle, fashion sense, etc... and do so without the need for approval from others.

8. You Can't See A Future With Him

Or you can see the future you would have with him and it's not the future you want.

9. You're Doing The Breakup-Makeup Thing.

At some point, you come to the realization that you've done the breakup-makeup thing more times than you'd like to remember and the emotional rollercoaster ride of ups and downs is burning you out big time. Every relationship has it's ups and downs but when there's a repetitive behavior issue, that's repeatedly causing fights between you, that's a bad sign. Perhaps the same fight or issue keeps resurfacing and never really get's resolved. That instability isn't likely to produce a solid foundation for a long-lasting relationship... and that's no bueno for your emotional health and happiness, babes.

When problems arise, maybe he never takes any responsibility for his part, or he acts uncaring, like the problems are for you to work out on your own. He acts as if you should just "get over it" and he's basically being an A$$ to you... Until you're at the breaking it off point... Then he comes crawling back to you, making promises and blah blah blah... So you take him back and you end up on the same rollercoaster again. There's only so many times you can ride that rollercoaster before it makes you sick and you've had enough.

The good news here is by the end of it, you might have no emotions left for the person. I know for myself in the end I had already emotionally checked out of the relationship and when I broke it off for good... I was so happy and it was a joyous day to be celebrated in all the land. ;)

10. The Bad Outweighs The Good. 

Some of us fight for our relationships, even if it's not great, we feel the need to try our best, give it all we've got and see where it goes. But in the end, are you both fighting for each other? ...Or against each other? Assess your relationship honestly, look at it logically rather than emotionally. Does the bad outweigh the good? If so... he probably isn't the one for you.

So how did it end for me? Well, really well! I regained a lot of happiness and had a renewed confidence, I had more time to make new friendships, do things that I wanted to do and started really living my life for a change. He on the other hand was a mess, miserable, threatening to commit suicide, falsely accusing me of cheating. He was really reaching for anything he could to make the breakdown my fault of course. I found out later on from one of his friends that he got into meth. The friend didn't know exactly when the meth thing started but looking back now I think I know when, but that's a whole other story.

Anyway, I'm so grateful for all that I learned from that past relationship and I'm happy to share some of those experiences with you, in hopes that they might help you too.

This post is different than the blog posts I usually write, but if it's helpful to somebody out there, I don't mind delving into more personal topics like these. If you have other topics or questions on your mind that you would like to see posts on in the future, let me know. :)

I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences as well, feel free to share in the comments.

Thanks for stopping by my blog today! xoxo

Pink So Foxy Blog

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  1. So brutally honest, I love this! This reminds me of one too many past relationships. I'm still looking for my happy ending and happy to remain single until I find it. I'm happy you found yours!

    1. I hear that! True happiness is the priority! :) xoxo

  2. This article/personal story is very much needed. It's so great to get close and share our experiences to help each other and that's what this is. I relate entirely and these things sometimes take years to realize. I have 3 teenage girls and I'm going to have one in particular read this as well. And on another note, reading this really does feel like 'hanging out' with you-) I have a story too. I will compose my thoughts and share soon with you. Thanks girl, Love you! And so happy Michael was made for you and vise versa. God is good!

    1. Thanks Brittany, I wish your girls all the best! I love getting into more personal topics like these, so I'll probably have more relationship posts to come in the future. Looking forward to hearing more about your story too! Love you! xoxo

  3. Hi Christine! How do you pounce your last name?

    1. Hi Jeanne! It's like corn on the cob-zeff. :) Some people say Kobe-zeff with a long "O" technically either way is the correct. xoxo

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  5. Excellent way to evaluate if you're in a dead-end relationship !!!

  6. Hi Christine, great article, reading through it brought up memories of difficult relationships I stayed in for way to long because of time invested. I can remember the little digs to my self esteem when I dated a man that was smaller stature than myself, I am 5'8 and he was 5'6, actually turned me off shorter men no matter how nice they appeared. I have been really enjoying your blog btw, keep up the great work :)

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  9. Hi dear Christine! I've been watching each and every video of yours for about two years (I watch most of your room tour videos as my relaxation therapy and a motivational boosting fountain.. oh ! I'm making up phrases now :))) THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR DIY's !!!

    Today, I've decided to check out your blog and I can say: YOUR ARTICLE HIT THE 10! I wish I could have read it 10 years ago when I was suffering because of a b/f who was 80% insecure of his own appearance, plus had bunch of complexes and kept calling me "a big lady" when I was just 5'6'' while he was 5'7''. Nowadays, I'm twice larger of the size I used to be but look like a doll next to my husband who is 6'1!


    Victoria H.
    P.S. I've even started my channel getting motivated by your DIY's ;)

    1. Thank you so much Victoria! And thanks for sharing your experience too! More DIY's coming soon. :) xoxo

  10. Grace- bonus insight.

    If a guy is hyper possessive, crazy jealous and wants to know every move you make, Where are you? What you are thinking,? Who are you talking to? See's a phone number written down on the back of an envelope,.. Asks you about it..you don't recall and he accuses you of cheating on you and threatens you...UH, RUN!!!!

    Being overly jealous is creepy, suffocating and a serious sign of future abuse. ( My ex- was like that.)

    I left him. How did it turn out for me? Fabulous.
    Two years later I met the Ideal Mate for me.
    Then, three years later I Married " Mr. Fabulous."
    He is my best friend, my biggest fan, my shoulder, my hero.
    I am his best friend, his biggest fan, his shoulder and his SHERO!

    You need to know what you want in a relationship. ..
    Write down a list of qualities/ character traits you would admire in a partner and don't settle just because you don't think you don't deserve excellence.
    You will attract into your life what you are compatible with.
    So, if you write down that you want a guy who takes care of himself, works out, eats healthy, is friendly, courteous, responsible, etc.. You need to be all that as well.

    Don't expect your Dream Mate to see what isn't there.!

    Are you compatible with abuse? Pffft..
    Too many girls/ women tolerate nonsense..

    Boy's will be Boy's. Yes, they sure will, and some men never grow up.. Leave the Toddlers behind, ( or else you will be changing their diapers later on)

    The mystery phone number story happened to me.. I had written down a number ( this was before Smart Phones) on the back of an envelope.
    I really could not recall what the number was for.
    The ex- threatened me as he called the number, "Hello, Needlepoint Junction.". the lady answered..
    He replied, " oh, Sorry, Wrong number." Hung up, and then said to me, "You are so lucky this time!"

    LUCKY? Yes. I was!. Lucky to discover what a jerk he was.

    I had taken a needlepoint class a year prior and written the number on the back of an envelope.. The" sneaky secret cheater phone number hiding envelope", was what I kept some coupons in at the time.

    Move along.. This is not the relationship you are looking for!!

    P.S. Don't be that kind of girl/ woman either. Jealous and clingy.. ewwwwww. Just sayin~

    1. I love the "leave the toddlers behind" haha, so true! It's tragic but hilarious that someone can be suspicious and threatened by a needlepoint class/coupon envelope. Congratulations on finding your best friend! Thanks for sharing Grace! xo

  11. Christine, I read this a while back and did not comment on it at first because I wanted to let it sink it. First off, I never cease to be amazed at the depth of your wisdom and the strength of your sense of yourself. I'm 64, and let me tell you, still learning a lot ~ and a lot of what I'm learning has come from you. When you express your views, you have a way of making me think about mine, and it gives me a lot of clarity. I wish I had had your list 40+ years ago! I could have spared myself a lot of heartache if I had the insight and the courage to just let go and move along. But since I still have hope for a best-friend love, I'm going to keep your list handy! Thanks always!